LIES I TOLD ME

It's been 6 years since we last spoke

Are you fat? are you thin? do you wear bespoke?

I have written so many pieces of you and the emotion that I evoke,

Is of a girl that has been rejected, abandoned, hurt,

But I feel free now. I am ready, ready to move past that.

My Diary excerpt 04-07-16.

Putting myself out there has been the hardest thing to do because I often wonder and worry what others will think of me and what impression I would have left on them.

I now realise that what I fear more than putting myself out there is passing out on the opportunity of being able to influence young girls who need to hear real stories about a real person going through real problems.

She is Wind Fire and Water. No one can un-Earth her.

So this is me. Putting myself out there. Telling my story. Raw. Uncut. Pure.

If I was to go back in time and do anything different, I would change my attitude on the absence of my father.

Looking back, the anger I felt towards him seems very useless.

especially the pain I held onto as if it was part of my identity.

Growing up, I formed the thought that 'if my father didn't stay, no man would.'

Another useless thought - That would eventually cause me to lose myself but also everyone that I couldn't let into my life fearing they would also hurt me.

Honestly, I would have lived just fine without having to devalue myself like this, but I did.

What's your story? In what situation have you lied to yourself about your worth?

Having to second guess yourself, wondering if your opinion matters, whether you are even worth the praises, worth the respect, worth the title.

Working twice as hard as everyone else just to prove to yourself that you can actually do it and that you are worth something. Yet most times it still doesn't seem as if you are worth much.

Regardless of the lies I told myself, I am at such a beautiful moment in my life. Realizing that maybe all of it was necessary to get to this point.

A point where I understand that I have been measuring my value and worth by the validation and approval I get from other people. Understanding that unless I see my own worth, then nothing from outside will ever validate me.

Now I see that it can only come from within: The worth, the value, the respect. It all starts with me. With you.